Dreams scattered

Aussie immigration rules have changed, making it harder for someone like me to obtain a PR visa.
In order to be eligible, I need to obtain a band 8.0 for my Ielts test, which seems impossible for me, I am sucked at writing and speaking, especially speaking when you receive a very spontaneous questions and have to come up with a response, oh, most of the time, I talked nonsense and did not have any idea what exactly I was talking about. Screwed!!!

I don't think I'll be doing the Professional Year, as it's a waste of money (my mom is going to be broke soon if my studies continue further, not to mention she has to pay for my brother's tuition fees - which is another 4 years).

I don't think my English is that bad, actually my speaking was really good when I talk to a friend in a relaxed comfortable environment. However, when it comes to exame mode, wow, I become nervous and there's something called 'brain freeze'.

I'm scared and lost at this moment. I don't know what I'll be doing next year, my first plan was to obtain a TR visa, sat for NAATI accreditation and retake IELTS. Cross fingers that if I achieve the minimum requirement, I'll have less things to worry about.

On a sad and desperate day like this, I will indulge myself into eating and sleeping, as it's the only way that I temporarily forget what troubles I am having. Consuming half a bag of chocolate which I bought this afternoon makes me feel unhealthy and fat, and I am too lazy for exercise.

Somehow the thought that 'I am not good enough' keeps wandering in my head. Instead of becoming more determined, studying harder, I feel like giving up and desperate.

If those fortuneteller's predictions are true, I would be having no problem staying overseas ...

I don't know, I am lost, I don't believe anything at this moment right now.

Wish some saviour hand will help me ...

Anyway, all the best for the last and final chapter : the last semester at UWA...

My dreams, my wants, my needs, my desires !!!

I have been always dreaming of having my own house one day, so that I can decorate it in the way I want. Actually I dreamt of designing my own house, but that dream is so far-fetched now, given the degree I am studying is not architecture, and given the budget of building a house overseas. Having enough money to buy a house for own would be good enough nowadays. The thought of moving house scares me, I've been moving for the past 4 years in Australia, and each time, I get stressed out. It's the feel of insecurity, that the place I'm going to move will not be the secured place to live in for the duration I want it to be. In fact, the longest house I had lived in (also the nicest room I've ever had) in Australia only lasted for 1 year, and the owner decided to sell the property, leaving the urge to find a new accommodation. And now, I am ended up in this tiny shitting room.

My brother will probably come to Australia this year, still not sure yet, and now I already feel the urge of finding the new accommodation. Housing price goes up, finding a new place with a reasonable price is getting harder and harder. This shitty apartment now appears to be really cheap, should I stay or move?

One worry lingering in my head is if my mother and my brother actually come to Australia, how should I tell the Korean brothers to move out, because mom and bro will come in October, and the Kor bros will go back to their country in November. 1 month lapse, that worries me. I know that this is not my problem, but I still feel the responsibility of informing them early... Sigh, why do I have to be a responsible and cared person? (sarcasm)

When it comes the time like this, I dream, the dream of having a house, a home ...

Yeah, I have a home in Vietnam, but it's not the home that I can come back every day.
Graduating end of this year, and I haven't decided what to do, going back or stay. I prefer to stay, gain some work experience, attain PR status, ... and some far-fetched dream: meeting some nice guy, get married, have a nice house, and start making my dreams real.

I'm an adventurous person I must say, I want to leave Perth for Melbourne as I heard life there is much more fun. I love to meet new people, experience new life, but a part of me is pulling me back, telling me that 'don't go!', it's the burden of what left behind if I were to go.

At this moment, I suddenly recall the movie 'Up in the air' where George Clooney referred the burden and the backpack. Should I get rid of my backpack and move on!?

Also at this moment, I am as lost as when I just finished O level, don't know what to do, fill with uncertainty, and on top of that: fear, anxiety...

21 years old, I am definitely not enjoying my youth time. Some friends are no longer friends, they are screwed! Words of mouth are more dangerous than a sword, and I don't even know why people boycotted me?!? (Not all people, just some stupid idiot ones, listen to one bitching mouth without knowing right or wrong). I feel anguished, frustrated, upset ... all the bad feelings!


I want to have my teeth braced, so that I will have a better smile. I want to have double eyelids, so people won't confuse me with Chinese. People often say inner beauty is the most important, appearance is fake. It is not so true, sometimes appearance plays the most important part, it can dictate winner or loser. At the first impression, appearance is the utmost important. Sometimes I look myself in the mirror, I see an ugly girl, hate my over crowded teeth, hate my monolid eyes, I look abnormal!

Sigh, enough complaints, off to sleep, hope for a better tomorrow!

Vanity card?!?

Well, problems are finally over, I am glad they are, now I resume to my normal life!

Before I commence writing about the main theme of today's blog, I would like to talk/complain a little bit about my housemates, particularly the older one.

Before he moved in, he 'advertised' himself as a quiet Korean ... it turns out to be not really. Over months, I get more annoyed at his noise level, especially he talks over the phone, the whole world can hear the conversation, only if they can understand the language. Another issue was when I watch my favourite show on TV, that is the time he has 'fun' with the water tap, turns it to the maximum level and let it flush!!! (What the hell man! Don't you see that I'm trying to watch the TV, are you trying to competing with the TV on the noise level?). ANOTHER problem is about slamming door, I wish he could become more gentler with the door ... sigh, not to mention all the swearing in Korean which I happen to understand what it means.

Also he tends not to do any cleaning, apart from for their own good, the urine stain on the toilet bowl is grossed, and I have to clean it every time, WHY ME?!?. And of course need not to mention the kitchen, the paper towel that they are hiding in their room so that I can't use, and the toilet paper that he would never buy. I know he has loads of them in his room, but again, for 'own' use only.

About character, well, I would say, after the acquaintance with a few male mates, I've come to realise that some of them are really ... 'bitchy'. Ok, let's put it this way, they possess the characters that a wise and grown up man should not possess. Selfishness, stinginess, childishness, careless, ... bitchiness ... just to name a few. I'm not saying the name of those people are here ...

Alright, there are 2 Korean brothers sharing the flat with me, the older one is the one annoyed me the most, whereas the younger one seems to be more benign, harmless, consciousness (apart from all the late night work noise) and knows who he is. Now I'm getting lazy to go bitching about him, never mind, leave it there for a moment, I think my tolerance can withstand for quite some time.

Again, I don't hate anyone, I am just annoyed!

Ok, here is the main topic.

Inspired by Chuck Lorre, the creator of 'The Big Bang Theory' and 'Two and a Half Men', which turn out to be 2 of my favourite shows. If you watch the shows, then you've noticed that at the end of each episode, there is a screen which titled 'Chuck Lorre's Production ####'. And if you have the DVD or the shows in your laptop, you can pause it and read it, it's really a random thing, but turns out to be interesting and funny for me, so I told myself that I could do the similar thing, in a different way.

Well, sometimes something funny pop up in my head and I really want to write it down. Some people choose facebook or twitter, for me they're too public and some people just don't have the sense of humour and take it the wrong way, so I've decided to post it here: random short funny thought! Again, very random!!!

For instance, here are the few thoughts that came to my head in the last couple of days!

'I am funny, but only me can see it'

'Why can't people see the funnier side of me?'

'From 15 to 21, I don't feel the difference, or the transition that lead me to today.'

and some other things that I forget at this moment, will update it later.

That's it for today's blog, goodbye!!!

IDIOT!

What a stupid ass!

I already told him that the water kettle electric circuit is broken, there's something wrong with it and we should have had never used it again.

He refused to believe the cause of the electric cut-out was due to his lovely white water kettle. The decision has been made to never use it again. But just now, while I was enjoying my favourite show, Master Chef, he started making noise with the water tap, washing, preparing to cook, and somehow decide to 'recycle' the water kettle, hoping for some magic happens and the faut was not due to the water kettle.

And ... Opps!!! He did it again! The power went off, leaving me with a blank TV screen, and now I couldn't open the power board door, even with the help from my neighbour, it means no power for the rest of the night, and possibly the whole weekend man!

Tomorrow is Friday, you all know what it means, I work the whole day, it also means I have no time to go to the agent and tell them what happen.

I already made a trip there today, problem solved, before a silly guy started every thing again.

I don't know how to explain to the agent what happened, because I have asked them for help today, it incurred cost to them, making another phone call would be considered silly, they'll blame me ...!!! sighs ... But I have no choice.

I wish I could turn back in time and stop the villain from doing what he was about to do.

Sigh ... Heavy stomach...

21st birthday

Today is my 21st birthday, a big day for most of people, marking the point when you completely turn adult, legally do whatever you couldn't do before. Does it matter to me? Not really, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't go club, so it's really the same.

My day began when I woke up at 10.20, almost late to catch the train to work. Somehow I decided not to set alarm clock the night before as I thought I would have plenty of time. Working on your 21st birthday? ... Yes, I worked today. Sounds miserable, huh? But the good thing is I get pay rise after my birthday.

Then I went home, had a shower, went to supermarket, bought some chicken wings, and had dinner. Nothing special. Only got a wishing call from my mom earlier this evening, which made me even sadder I wanted to go home at that moment so badly, coz I would have a party with my family back home. I haven't spent any of birthday with my family since I was 15 - left home too early, that's why.

No party for me :) and certainly no alcohol, no cake, no candles, no friends coming over, nothing ...

I don't why people have to go big with the 21st birthday thing. To me, it's just a day marking your birth, and reminds you that in 365 days time, you'll turn 22.

Facebook got flooded with wishes from everyone though, from close friends, to not too close, to some people that I've never talked at all. Somehow they just send you the wishes as they saw a link on their facebook homepage. Oh, technology ...

Anyway, happy birthday to me, sweet 21st!!!

Get older, but still young though, so live life to the fullest, Ha!

For a moment, I thought I'm myself again

:) Just realized I have made a best decision ever (or somebody indirectly helped me to make it). It makes me realized how good or/and how bad the people around me were, and somehow it isolates me from the bad, and remain GOOD (as always, lol). Maybe it doesn't make sense to anybody, but ... yes, I'm myself again, no sin committed! hahahahwoawoawoahahahuahuahua

Desperate

Sometimes you just feel desperate, so desperate, ... for no reasons.

Oh, well, not actually no reasons, but small things keep building up, just like many single little rocks tacking on each other and become a big pile of stones. And you have to carry that, on your shoulder, alone.

Things started since I broke up with a 'so-called' bf, the one that I've never, ever, had a serious feeling with. He didn't think so, and it has become a game for me, and one day, he paused the game, and ... I ended the game. Well, I did not regret ending the game, because I wasn't enjoying the whole thing at all, and sometimes wonder why I was in that game in the first place, and now ended it in a bitter way. (Freedom for both? Hand up if you think so.)

Okay, now I'm all by myself, feeling like I'm myself again. By that, I meant I will be doing everything alone, from small to heavy work, every troubles will be shared with no one but myself, I feel like I gain independence again, but that also means I'm more stressed again.

IELTS - the requirement for graduate program and PR, I got 7.0 overall, but only 6.5 for speaking, a lack of 0.5, which then excludes me from the eligible criteria to apply for job and PR. I want to take the test again, but the cost and the risk of taking it is a bit too high for me at the moment, not to mention, no time.

Invisalign - impossible, have to change to traditional braces, and again ... financial difficulty.

Driving licence - not possible yet, it involves time and money, of course.

Self-discipline - was good for the couple of weeks of the semester, now obsessing with Scrabbles and somehow it distracts me from the work I'm committing in.

Renting - not to mention, a big burden on my shoulder.

What's bothering me the most? - Future, full of uncertainty.

I know, I gonna have the most lonely 21st b'day ever, and it's coming soon!

Cheers,

Ha.